Sexual attraction is a complex phenomenon, influenced by various factors such as physical appearance, personality traits, cultural context, and personal preferences.

However, there are still certain “rules” or beliefs that many people hold about what makes someone attractive or desirable. In this article, we will explore some of these conventional rules and see how a therapist might challenge or reframe them.

Rule 1: Men are attracted to women who look young and fertile

One of the most pervasive beliefs about sexual attraction is that men are wired to seek out women who look young and fertile, as these traits are associated with reproductive potential.

However, this view has been challenged by some researchers and therapists who argue that it oversimplifies male sexuality and ignores the role of social and cultural factors.

For example, the psychologist Daniel Bergner, in his book “What Do Women Want?”, argues that men are often more attracted to qualities such as intelligence, humor, and assertiveness than to physical appearance alone.

He also cites studies that suggest that men’s sexual preferences can be influenced by cultural norms and media representations of beauty.

Similarly, therapists may encourage their male clients to broaden their definition of attractiveness beyond youth and fertility, and to pay attention to other qualities that create meaningful connections and relationships.

Rule 2: Women are attracted to men who are dominant and assertive

Another common belief about sexual attraction is that women are drawn to men who are dominant, assertive, and in control.

This view often relies on evolutionary arguments, suggesting that women are biologically programmed to seek out men who can protect and provide for them and their offspring.

However, this view has been criticized by many therapists and researchers who argue that it ignores the diversity of female desire and reinforces harmful gender stereotypes.

In reality, women’s preferences for partners can vary widely depending on their individual values, personalities, and cultural backgrounds.

Furthermore, some therapists may challenge the idea that dominance and control are healthy or desirable traits in a partner.

Instead, they may encourage their female clients to seek out partners who are respectful, supportive, and collaborative, and who value their autonomy and agency.

Rule 3: Opposites attract

The idea that “opposites attract” is a common trope in romantic comedies and dating advice columns, but it may not hold up to scrutiny when examined more closely.

While there may be some truth to the idea that people are drawn to partners who complement their strengths and weaknesses, research suggests that similarity is often a more important factor in attraction and long-term compatibility.

For example, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who perceived themselves as similar in traits such as values, attitudes, and interests reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction and stability over time.

Therapists may encourage their clients to look for partners who share their core values and interests, rather than relying on superficial differences as a basis for attraction.

This can help to build a strong foundation for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Rule 4: Physical attraction is the most important factor in a relationship

Finally, a common belief about sexual attraction is that physical appearance is the most important factor in determining whether someone is desirable or not.

While it is true that physical attraction can play a role in initiating a relationship, therapists may challenge the idea that it is the most important or meaningful factor in intimacy and connection.

For example, a therapist may work with a client who is struggling to connect with their partner on an emotional or intellectual level, despite feeling physically attracted to them.

In this case, the therapist may encourage the client to explore their underlying values, fears, and aspirations, and to communicate their thoughts and feelings in an open and honest way.

By focusing on deeper qualities and shared experiences, the therapist can help the client to build a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship, even if it does not fit the conventional mold of sexual attraction.